It’s always funny when the internet spends a day dunking on someone for something stupid. That happened to me and my silly mustache.


Before we dive into the dunking, though, I need to share this. I titled it Elegy for a Beard (Mine):
In recent years, I’ve taken to a wearing a beard year-round. I keep it cropped in the spring, summer, and autumn months, with a final trim for the year on the Winter Solstice.
From that day on, my beard thrives like ivy, unfurls like ferns.
I’ve become fond of my beard in middle age, grown accustomed to its curious shape. It keeps me warm in the cold winter months. It delights me each new year with more frosty white, more color. It’s uniquely me and mine.
But it’s time to say goodbye.
Come the Spring Equinox, the beard must go. It’s the rhythm of the seasons. And who am I to stand against Mother Nature.

I leave this elegy as a reminder to myself of my magnificent beard. And as a comfort in the coming weeks for when I reach up to stroke it and it’s no longer there in all its beautiful, bristly glory.


Here’s a Bunch of People Making Fun of My Silly Mustache

What I neglected to mention is that I don’t shave my beard clean off. I always leave behind a silly, stupid-looking (on me) mustache. Mostly to horrify my kids. But also to have something funny to post online. I wasn’t expecting the reaction I got this year, though. Friends, family, and Facebook acquaintances all took time out of their busy schedules to make fun of my facial hair.


As they should! It’s awful! I’ve shared some of the better burns below. I posted it on my Instagram, too, so if you wanna toss a beard-barb my way, feel free. I’m a big man with a big mustache. I can take it.

  • Erick in Boston

    “A young Lemmy ponders his next career move after being fired from Hawkwind.”

  • Nate from The Weekly Dig

    Now, in a ridiculous British accent, say “We Take The Hill At Dawn!”

  • Mike Hsu from The Pike

    You look ready for the Orange County Choppers Reboot!

  • Jon from NH

    “Two chicks at the same time…”

  • Chris in Salem

    And just like that, a Dueling Banjos ear worm is planted in my brain.

  • Pete from Wakefield

    “Who wants a mustache ride?

  • Local journo Rob Duguay

    Looking like Yosemite Sam if he grew up on the North Shore.

  • Paula from Hyde Park

    Did you join a Barbershop Quartet?

  • George Knight from WERS

    I have to tell you that I really enjoy watching the reality show you do with your kids, where you build awesome custom choppers in your shop in Orange County, New York. Good stuff.

  • Iggy from Greenwood

    12 u look like Goose gossage.

  • Will Ventura from JJR


  • Rodney Ewing from Interscope

    Hi friends, Ralph Spoilsport, Ralph Spoilsport Motors the world’s largest used new and new used automobile dealership in the beautiful city of Emphysema…

  • Todd from Boston

    Complete the Ted Lasso look. Get some mirrored aviators and start cracking corny jokes.

  • Mike in NH

    Papa Het!

  • My mom


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