Home Protection

A few months ago while I was on air I got a call from my wife. My wife understands my job, I can’t exactly stop what I’m doing in the middle of the show and chat. So I knew this was likely an emergency. I couldn’t answer so I texted her back: “On air, what’s up?” That’s when she wrote back “SOMEONE BROKE INTO OUR HOUSE!!!!” My inner alarm bells started blaring. We quickly went into the next song and I called her.

A Dumb Conversation

What happened next was the dumbest conversation we’ve ever had. “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T GO INTO THE HOUSE!” I screamed. “WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM AN IDIOT?!” she yelled back. “NO! BUT I WAS JUST MAKING SURE!” I replied. “MAKING SURE I’M NOT AN IDIOT?!” she said. “HAVE YOU CALLED THE COPS?!” I asked. She reiterated that she was not an idiot. That she had called the cops as soon as she thought she was not home alone.

An Accident?

Here’s what happened. My wife took our sons to school and then came back home. When she got home much to her horror the back door of the house was wide open. Sure that she had locked it and worried a burglar might be in the house she ran to her car and drove to a nearby parking lot where she called the cops and then me.

When the cops came they did a tour of the house. Asked us some questions and left. They said likely the door hadn’t been locked and something pushed it open. Nothing was missing. It was probably just an accident. Or worse case scenario someone tried to get in but your dog scared them off. Sure, I thought, or they came in looked around and decided “I thought people in Lexington were supposed to own nice things?!”

What if?

But the incident freaked me out! What if my family had been home? What if Katie had come in the front door and someone was still in the house? So I looked into cost effective ways to make my home harder to get into and some affordable ways to turn it into the house from Home Alone. Some of these are common sense and some are tips from people in law enforcement. (I will also mention I didn’t include a firearm on here becuase that’s the most obvious but also the most controversial option. So let’s not have that debate ok?

  • A Bat With A Sock On It

    One innovative yet straightforward defense hack is to place a sock over a baseball bat. This can be particularly disarming for an intruder who attempts to grab the bat from you; the sock allows the bat to slip out easily, leaving you in control. Also. it’s fun to imagine the look on the burglars face.

    Bat and sock

  • Place A Random/Useless Key Outside

    So this is particularly brilliant. Every crook has a timer in their head when they’re breaking into a house. They want to get in and out as soon as possible. Well if you put a key outside next to the door they’re going to think “Those idiots left the key outside!” and try to use it. But it won’t work on one door, or the next, or the next. Meanwhile you are calling the cops and readying your sock bat.

  • Get A Loud Dog

    My Father in Law who is a former detective told me once that he has literally never seen a burglary where the homeowner had a loud barking dog. He saw lots where they had a quiet and loving one though. Go to the shelter and ask for the most annoying dog they have. That’s pretty much what I did.

    Annoying dog

    Don’t be fooled he will rip your throat out.

  • Don't Turn The Lights On

    More advice from my FIL. If you think someone is in the house don’t turn the lights on. You don’t need to turn a home invasion into a kidnapping or worse. Also you know your house better than they do.


  • DON'T DO THIS: Buy an ADT Sign

    I’ve heard people, hopefully jokingly, say this one. Who needs a home security system? Just get the sign and put it in your yard! Sure that could work, or burglars might think “If they are willing to invest so much in a home security system them must have something worth stealing.” That’s according to my criminology professor.

    ADT SIgn

    (Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images)

  • Reinforced Strike Plates For Your Locks

    (Photo by Matt Cardy/Getty Images)

    Investing in reinforced strike plates for your doors is a small expense that can pay off big in home security. Strengthening the points where locks enter the frame makes your doors much harder to force open. And they are pretty affordable.

  • Fire Extinguisher

    Whether you’re buying it to club a burglar upside the head or spray them and disorient them or you’re buying it to, you know, put out fires, it’s never a bad idea to have a fire extinguisher on hand.

    Fire Extinguisher

    Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

  • A Pair Of Mens Boots

    Another one from my FIL. For women living alone, placing a pair of large, men’s boots on the porch can create the illusion that a man is present in the house, potentially deterring would-be intruders. black, brown and gray winter boots

    Probably something more manly than this. Though they might think Tom Brady lives there.

  • Mace or Pepper Spray

    Having mace or pepper spray at hand can provide a non-lethal means to defend yourself if confronted by a burglar. Ensure it’s easily accessible in various locations throughout your home.

    Pepper Spray

    (Photo by Sascha Schuermann/Getty Images)

  • Sleep Naked

    Probably only a good idea for men. I often sleep in the nude in the summer and people have said to me “WHAT IF SOMEONE BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE!” Uhhh…then they would see a naked fat dude with a bat with a sock at it screaming and running at them.

    Dirty bare feet of a sleeping person showing out of the blanket on a bed. Hygiene or unsanitary conditions concept


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